Yo all you rad dudes and tubular dudettes! For those of you that have been following for awhile, you know that every year I do a special birthday post for my big sister Candiballs. Well the post started getting gnarly hard since I like lists based off of the age she’s turning, and she’s getting super sonic old. However, this is a special birthday since Candiballs is now an official member of the dirty thirty club, so the special birthday post tradition must continue.

The year of Candi’s descent down the one way street also known as my mom’s birth canal was 1981. This is epic when you think of the awesomeness that was the 80′s, and how she got to witness 9 totally bodacious years of it in her childhood. So in the typical Fic D birthday post fashion, I present to you a list of thirty things that Candi got to witness that no one under 30 did since we/you were a) in utero, b) still a seed in the sac waiting to commence the ultimate swim for your life.

Candi was there when:

1. The first time the word “internet” was used (and shockingly, it was not by Al Gore)

2. The nuptials of Princess Diana & Prince Charles took place when she was 8 days old (first an ugly prince wed, and now a prematurely balding one did)

3. Researchers found the wreck of the Titanic (and frozen Jack on his door was nowhere to be found, nor was the Heart of the Ocean, nor was Celine Dion singing ballads in the background…sads)

4. The first American test-tube baby was born (and then later came me!…oh wait, that was in a petri dish…)

5. The invention of Post-Its! (Who knew Romy & Michelle were that young when they came up with that special glue?!)

6. MTV was launched. Candi lived 11 days without MTV existing. I bet she cried in her crib the first time Video Killed the Radio Star came blaring through the old Magnavox. Then came Carson Daly and his douchebaggery and all was right with the world.

7. Adam and the Ants was a popular band. Ummm…who?

8. Gas was at $1.25 per gallon. No wonder Candi calls BS at the BP; she remembers the good ol’ days.

9. A woman (gasp!) was seated as a Supreme Court justice. Shit finally started getting done.

10. Tom Cruise made his acting debut. He was soo excited that he went home and jumped on the couch for hours.

11. Fashion changed from tight on top and loose on bottom, to loose on top and tight on bottom. Hellooooo stirrup stretch pants!

12. My Little Ponies, Sprinkles and Applejack, were all the rage (giving children unrealistic expectations of one day owning a purple horse with pink hair since 1981)

13. Babies didn’t play with rattles; they had rubiks cubes.

14. The U.S. Army started the catchy jingle that you should “Be all that you can be in the army”. Candi decided she would BE as bodacious as she could BE in her scrunchy.

15. Things were ON like DONKEY KONG. Oh, and eventually Frogger…

16. “9 to 5″ by Dolly Parton was a hit. Now Candi works 9 to 5 and wants to hit someone.

17. George and Weezy began their climb up to the East side, to a DEE-LUX apartment in the sky. This show made naive white people feel culturally aware.

18. The first IBM-PC was released and that shit was hi-tech. Candi typed her papers on a typewriter until prices came down. Translation for young people: it’s kinda like how we held on to the Motorola Razr until we could afford a smartphone.

19. Miss Ohio won Miss USA. I bet that was the last time anything associated with Ohio was viewed as anything other than shitty.

20. The wedding of Luke and Laura on General Hospital was the second most watched wedding next to the royals. Looks like this was the beginning of wedding-obsessed television junkies. Hello TLC, you now have a network concept.

21. Nutrasweet hits the market. Looks like Candi ate real sugar for a little while, so that means she has seen this market go full circle: real sugar, to fake crap, back to everyone should eat/drink real sugar. It’s been a confusing time for all of us.

22. The farewell CBS newscast from Walter Cronkite took place and Dan Rather took over. Candi and I will both shed tears of agony when it’s Mark Suppelsa’s time to step down. Truth.

23. “You Can’t Do That On Television” was launched on Nickelodeon, and Candi probably saw the first contestant slimed in history.

24. Disney released “The Fox and the Hound”. Candi was among the first to sing along to “When We’re the Best of Friends”.

25. There was an ark that was lost, and alot of people went to see it raided. Alot of people.

26. The Sony Walkman was a hot find because damn those kids, they had to have their music wherever they went! Candi probably carried her extra cassette tapes in her nylon fanny pack that was probably shaped like a strawberry.

27. A world existed without mobile phones for the first 2 years of her life. Even then, she didn’t get her own for at least another 16 years after that. She had to physically write notes to friends instead of texting, AND she had to use (get ready for this) a LANDLINE. The shame!

28. A world also existed where CD players were too expensive for most, VCR’s were considered pretty advanced, and microwaves were not common in kitchens. Candi lived before Britney CD’s and Easy Mac, aka, before civilization.

29. A world also existed, for only one year on the dot, without the awesomeness of Candi’s tubular friend Shannon Haas! How Candi made it without her trusty sidekick I will never know. Thankfully all of us who are under 30 have had a fulfilling life of her constant presence. Happy birthday to Shannapantz!

30. Unlike all of us youngins, Candi and Shannon were on the cutting edge of 80′s expressions. They pioneered the movement, and definitely/probably said all of the following things:

- Barf me out!

- Take a chill pill

- Don’t have a cow

- You’re such a dweeb

- No duh

- Psyche! or Sike!

- To the max

- Upchuck

- I’m stoked

- Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun

 

Happy 30th Candi and happy 29th Shan! You’re both two totally bitchin’ bodacious babes.

 

Sprinkles, Candles, and Kool-Aid,

Fic D

photo from le Bakery Sensual