I’m not trying to slight Mother Nature, Demeter, Jesus, Farmer Whatshisbutt, nor or am I trying to piss on Autumn in all its glory.
HOWEVER.
I am SICK of all the effing pumpkins. Yeah facebook newsfeed – you heard me. I’ve had enough of the…
-babies-in-a-sea-of-orange-vegetation pictures
-oh-we’re-so-in-love-so-we’re-gonna-kiss-in-the-leaves-and-pumpkins pictures
-look-what-I-wasted-precious-hours-carving-and-compliment-me-damnit pictures
-we’re-playing-with-sick-pumpkin-innards-and-baking-seeds (makemewannavomit) pictures
If I log in to see one more hayride, I’m going to lose my hayshit. Maybe I just need to boycott FB for the season. I don’t know, that’s kind of rash. I actually love Fall. Fall and I get along great when it comes to college football games and tailgates, warm earth tone clothes, riding boots, and cozy sweaters and fleece. Fall and I get jacked up about chili, hot tea, and the promise of Thanksgiving break. Fall and I actually go balls to the wall for apple-picking, chocolate caramel apples, and Halloween costumes.
But WHY in all that is holy must pumpkins haunt me in every waking moment of my life? Everywhere I look I SEE pumpkins. Everywhere I go I SMELL pumpkins. Pumpkin rolls, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin spice lattes, pumpkin donuts, pumpkin ice cream. Nothing is sacred anymore. My senses are being bombarded and bitch slapped into pumpkin tolerance.
Well I ain’t havin’ it. I will not be pushed around by a bunch of big orange stinky balls. In fact, I think I will start a revolution and make gourds the next big thing. You just wait. By this time next year, your kid will be dressed as a gourd, drinking gourd juice, singing a gourd song, and smelling like gourd perfume endorsed by the Greater Gourd Group of America advertised on your portable electronic gourd-vision device that you’ve affectionately named “Gourdo” after your dead fish, Gourdo Goldfish the Great.
How do you like that Jerry McGuire?
Stick that in your pumpkin and carve it.
ReGourds,
Fic D (the “D” stands for “death to pumpkins”)
2 comments
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October 27, 2011 at 6:19 pm
Brian
Wow, them’s fightin words. Does your betrothed know how strong you feel about pumpkins?
December 18, 2011 at 10:16 pm
Ryan
I just read this and laughed really hard. The FB pumpkin posts and pics drove me nuts too. And along those lines, I LOVE Christmas. Oh man, do I ever love it, but all of the Christmas tree posts are equally irritating. I think it’s a matter of originality. Do people really think their Christmas tree is so special that everyone in their personal community needs to see it? And I live in Florida. I am tired of hearing people on FB complain about the 80 degree heat one day and 50 degree weather the next. And how it doesn’t FEEL like Christmas. Yep, we live in Florida, people. That’s how it is EVERY YEAR. Whew! I feel better all ready.